


Honestly

by aishahiwatari



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Afterlife, Angst, Arguing, Character Death, Discussions of death, Feelings, Grief/Mourning, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Major Character Injury, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:15:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22653091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aishahiwatari/pseuds/aishahiwatari
Summary: A 5+1 (+1 more) story. Five truths that shaped the course of Jim and Leonard’s relationship. One lie. And one that could go either way.(with bonus happier ending in case you're soft like me)
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Comments: 20
Kudos: 75





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> HEED THE WARNING. It DOES NOT refer to the events of canon.
> 
> And read the tags. This one gets rough.
> 
> The happier ending exists, but it does not erase all that comes before.

1.

When it’s all over, when Nero is gone and Captain Pike is recovering and Jim sits on a bed in Med-Bay roughly five days after he should have, they have the conversation that should have happened even before that.

“You didn’t think I’d just leave you there, did you?” Leonard’s asking, with a fond smile on his face and a pang in his heart because he knows exactly what Jim thought, and he’s hated that he let that happen ever since.

“Didn’t think you’d stand by and watch me get marooned on an ice planet either, but here we are.” Jim’s resigned tone hasn’t changed, and that’s the worst part, that he sees Leonard’s actions as part of what brought them here, to the loss of a planet and the irreparable injury to someone they both hold dear.

The pang in Leonard’s heart has become an ache, but he makes the attempt to deny it’s deserved. He doesn’t even really know why. “Starfleet gave me a home, Jim.”

“Starfleet gives room and board and fucking pay,” Jim spits, eyes bright even as his hard expression remains, mouth twisting. He drops his gaze when he adds, apparently without thinking, “You made it a home.”

It gives far too much away, and Leonard sees the panic rise in Jim as clearly as he feels it within himself.

For a long time neither of them say anything. Jim looks like he’s bracing himself for impact, but he doesn’t have the energy to move and all Leonard can say, even though it’s nothing like sufficient, is, “I’m sorry.”

For the first time, he sees anger, open and clear, on Jim’s face. “I thought I was gunna die down there. Alone. As usual. And I still- fucking thought about you.”

“Jim,” Leonard tries, but the floodgates have opened and Jim is decidedly not done. If anything, he’s gaining momentum, his eyes as sharp as a sniper’s as he seeks to make his words leave a mark.

“I was chased through the snow by a monster. I had nothing. No food. No weapons. Not even a fucking tent. Your _Do No Harm_ thing had nothing to say about that.”

“Jim-“ Leonard says, just barely. He can’t find breath. His eyes are stinging. He can’t stand to hear this, knows how significant it all is. He’s punishing himself by staying but he can’t think of a single reason why he shouldn’t.

“My first thought was that you deserved it. To never know what happened, because you did nothing. When I needed you. You made me think you cared-“

“I do care-“

“Nobody has ever done anything- nobody ever came back for me. My second thought- you know they say the first one’s your conditioning, the second one’s your true self- was that I couldn’t stand to leave you. I’d never see you again. The way you roll your eyes at me. How you smile when you think I’m not looking.” Jim smiles then, too, but it’s bitter and Leonard’s blood has run cold. “It’s the first time I’ve ever wanted to live out of anything but spite. So I guess you did bring me back, in a way.”

These words should be so tender but they’ve never been good at this and Jim has been holding in his fury for too long, even for him.

Leonard’s been holding something in too, something so sharp and intense sometimes that it feels like anger. If there has ever been a time to say it, it is this moment. “Jim, I-“

“Not now, Bones. Don’t do it right now. Not when I’m so angry at you. Don’t take that away from me.”

It’s- better than the shattering of Leonard’s heart let him hope. He nods, and he forces the ghost of a smile, because he’d do anything for Jim and he has every right to ask this. The momentum that’s been keeping them going these last few days is beginning to fade. “Should I- schedule an appointment?”

Some of the tension leaves Jim’s shoulders, and he doesn’t smile at the poor attempt at a joke but something around his eyes lightens. “You’ll know. You know me better than anyone.”

“I do, Captain.”

It means so much more than the title. They both know that. This has come between them, but it’s not going to tear them apart when they're finally doing what they were meant to do.

“Keep up the good work, Doctor.”

And after months -years- of trying to find the words, of fighting for the courage to speak, Leonard finally wants to scream it out, and it takes everything he has to bite his tongue.

He wants to go after Jim as he leaves, touch him, hold him. Finally kiss him. He knows Jim would let him, now, would be caught by surprise for just a moment and then haul him in and never let go.

He still will. Leonard just has to have patience. He’s waited this long.

-

2.

“You know, I was mad, too,” Bones throws his hands up when he storms into Jim’s quarters, actually a few days later than Jim had been expecting to continue their conversation as though there had been no pause at all. “You’d just dived out of a fucking shuttle into a damn teacup to fight countless homicidal Romulans, and then you nearly plummeted to your death because you conveniently forgot the safety margins of the damn chutes they gave you. You would have been nothing but a smudge on a collapsing fucking planet because you couldn’t resist the urge to fight when you were needed up here.”

 _By me,_ he doesn’t say. Jim hears it anyway, bears the burden of that need, and doesn’t interrupt. This is fair.

“So my first goddamn thought was that if you wanna risk your own life so damn badly, maybe I should let you. If you care so little about who you leave behind.” Bones stutters to a halt, so caught up in his own emotion he can’t even put them into words, and Jim means to make his point gently but it doesn’t entirely come out that way.

“There was more at stake than you and me, Bones.”

“Well, my- conditioning didn’t give a shit,” Bones snaps. He’s left the anger, now, has so little energy for it these days. His shoulders slump and all that’s left is despair and that’s so much worse. Something in Jim’s chest aches.

“And my second thought didn’t bother to fucking show up until the moment Spock pressed that button to maroon you. That I’d done it again. Stood by and let it happen. Lost the best thing that ever happened to me. So- you said I’d know when to speak, but I have no fucking clue and I’m not waiting anymore. I love you. I’m in love with you, you sick, reckless son of a bitch and you’re going to hurt me more than anyone ever has but you’re worth it.

“I never knew to want someone like you- because there is nobody like you. You are a fucking star, and I can’t even look at you sometimes you shine so bright. You make me question everything I’ve ever believed in. I thought I was _straight.”_

The sound Jim makes at that moment catches somewhere between a laugh and a sob. He doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t dare. He’ll ruin it, for sure.

Bones has more than enough words for both of them, and there are tears in his eyes as he goes on but he’s too strong to let that stop him.

“I want to tell you not to go out and risk your life every day but I know you’re not going to listen. If I demand you make that promise, you’ll lie to me. So I’m asking. Don’t let me lose you without kissing me goodbye every single damn time. Don’t you go without knowing that I love you. I will always love you, Jim Kirk.”

It’s- so much. It should be too much. Somehow, it’s not. In the quietest voice Jim has ever allowed himself to use, he says, “I know.”

And then he reaches out.

-

3.

Jim never stops feeling awful. He’s not sorry, because he can’t change who he is, but he hates the way he makes Bones feel, every single time he risks his life. Especially this time, when he didn’t come back alive.

When he tries to put it into words, when he’s finally discharged from medical and has crawled into bed beside Bones and tangled them together, kissed him until he stops shaking, all that comes out is, “I’ll never stop risking myself to save a universe that has you in it.”

He’s expecting argument. Protectiveness disguised with colourful abuse. Maybe some kind of laboured metaphor. All he receives is a deep, desperate sadness that hurts more than any death ever could. “It’s not a universe worth living in, without you.”

Bones is exhausted. He hasn’t slept in weeks, has been working relentlessly on his miracle cure for Jim’s death. His eyes are sliding shut, so he doesn’t see the tears in Jim’s, or his stricken expression.

“Bones.”

“Mm?”

“Tell me you’ll be okay. Without me. Please? Promise me you’ll carry on. You won’t give up. You’ll let me go, when there’s not some convenient superhuman to dissect to save me. Bones.” Jim nudges him, and bleary eyes blink open to settle on him as he urges, “Promise me.”

He sees the conflict, hates that Bones considers lying to him but hates the truth even more.

“No. Never. I’ll be a shell without you. Without my star to revolve around. And maybe it’s not fair to put that on you, but I’m going to anyway. I’ll keep going. But I won’t be okay.”

Jim can’t convince the only person in the universe more stubborn than he is that he’s wrong. Instead he kisses him, starts to make up for all the ones he had thought he’d never be able to give, until Bones’ breathing evens out in sleep.

-

4.

“This could be it, you know.”

“Thought you didn’t believe in no-win scenarios,” Leonard points out, although it’s looking pretty clear-cut to him, too. Fleeing a Klingon warship in a Klingon shuttle in which the life support system has been damaged, they’re on course for Federation space.

“I don’t believe in true love, either, but here we are.” Jim winks at him, turning away from the controls only from the instant it takes. He’s so goddamn beautiful. Leonard would follow him anywhere. There’s nobody he’d rather be with, in this moment, and nowhere he’d rather be. He’s learned his lesson. He’s not letting Jim go without him, not again.

Their comm system sparks to life. Jim hits it without looking; so far they’ve been the subject of various violent Klingon threats, but with Jim, every chance to speak is an opportunity to turn things around.

Except the voice that sounds is decidedly not Klingon- “You are about to enter Federation space, state your intention-“

Oh, thank fuck. Leonard’s too relieved to speak, but thankfully Jim’s not.

“Sulu!”

“Kirk? Oh, I should have known. Consider this payback for the chute. Beam them up.”

Jim sags over the controls with relief.

As the familiar tingling of the transporter begins to wash over them, Leonard doesn’t even have the energy left to complain about it. He manages to slur a vague approximation of, “Something I may not have told you,” before his vision is fading at the edges, adrenaline releasing him from its clutches.

Everything hurts, the wound in his side and his heart objecting to the blood loss or to Jim’s frantic, panicked, “Bones!”

-

5.

Leonard awakes slowly, but he knows how this goes. He might have been lucid before, enough to assure Jim of his continued survival, so when Jim shoves a padd in his direction and says, “In my defence- I was really pissed,” his irritation can be expressed with an uncoordinated roll of his eyes.

“Love you too, darlin’,” he says, too, and Jim nods, not quite repentant but with his feelings shining through in those beautiful eyes.

With a few deep breaths and squinting in the bright light of Med-Bay, Leonard manages to lift the padd and read the letter Jim’s sent- “You resigned?” he says, and then reads the name of the signatory again, the official double-barrelled surname they both technically use when it’s not going to unduly confuse their crew. “I resigned! Did you fingerprint me while I was unconscious?”

He begins to cough with the exertion of expressing his outrage, and Jim’s at his side with a glass of water and a warning to drink it slowly, like there’s any possibility Leonard hasn’t been the one telling him that countless times before. Leonard sips, and breathes, and smiles at the feeling of gentle fingers running through his hair, the kiss pressed to his forehead.

“I don’t know how you do it,” Jim says, picking up the padd and scrolling through to the matching letter he also sent, tendering his own resignation. Holy shit. He’s serious. “I don’t know how you sit here. Not knowing if your life is over and you’ll just be existing. Alone.”

“You’re not alone anymore, Jim. Neither of us are.” Because maybe they started out that way, but they have so many people around them, willing to support them and love them and risk their lives for them.

“I can’t do this without you. I can’t remember ever thinking I could.”

“You’ve never had to.”

“I came pretty fucking close,” Jim snaps, jaw set, eyes blazing.

But Leonard knows this isn’t anger, it’s fear. One that he’s experienced many times before, so he just reaches out and pulls Jim to him, lets him cry against his chest.

And when the Admiral asks him if there’s anything she can do to convince him to stay, he says no.

They leave together, and they live peacefully, surrounded by friends and family.

And if Jim’s eyes are bright when he looks up at the stars sometimes, his smile is even brighter when he looks at Leonard.

-

+1

“It’s going to be alright, Jim,” Bones says, as he slips away.

As promised, Jim kisses him goodbye. He has done, every single time, although it’s never hurt like this, leaning over the hospital bed, running his fingers through grey hair for the last time and letting the tears fall, not caring where they land.

-

\+ another 1

Jim sits in the dirt and he stares up at the stars. They seem further away than they’ve ever been.

“He’s my everything,” he says to Sulu, who joined him maybe an hour ago, and knows enough not to have spoken a word.

“He’s not. He’s just your heart.”

“I mean my anatomy’s never been great, but don't I need-“

“You’re still here. You can fill that hole with other things that keep your blood pumping for long enough for you to feel something other than loss.”

Of course he knows. It’s been years since Ben died.

Jim nods, and does his best to believe it. “I always thought it’d be me, who went first.”

“Kind of selfish, isn’t it?”

“I think I preferred the platitudes,” Jim says, even though he’s been complaining about them all week, implemented a blanket ban on them at the funeral. At Bones’ funeral. Fuck, he’s so lost.

“No you don’t.”

No, he doesn’t. Sulu is one of the only people who treats him like anything other than a victim. He makes him believe that things might at some point feel normal again.

“If there’s not an afterlife I’m gunna be so pissed.”

“Why do you think he had to go first? Probably up there, demanding one.”

Jim can’t laugh, it feels wrong, but he cries until he can’t anymore, and he steps back from the edge of the cliff.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The optional, happier ending.

“Oh, fuck off. Are you kidding me?” Jim says, when he sees the wings, white and feathered and firmly attached to his back. He turns in place, trying to get a better look. “Infinite imaginative choices and this is the image my dying synapses leave me with? I want a do-over.”

Someone laughs and no, fuck, he takes it back, he doesn’t want a do-over, he wants to hear that sound for the rest of eternity. If he can have nothing else, that will do, he’ll never want again.

Jim hardly dares to turn in the direction of the sound, can barely see through the tears but he knows that laugh, he knows who that is, has never known anyone like he knows- _“Bones.”_

He’s enveloped in familiar, strong arms and he cries in that way only Bones can make him. This is it. He doesn’t care about anything else. He got what he’s been hoping for, for years. A final chance to hear that voice, to feel warm fingers threading through his hair, to know the steady heartbeat against his chest is real. He had thought he’d never have this again.

“I love you so goddamn much,” he sobs, in an incoherent jumble of syllables that make the body wrapped around him rumble with humour and it’s perfect, so utterly familiar and like coming home but he’s suddenly irrationally terrified of making a mistake or missing his chance to savour everything and he frantically wipes his eyes and lifts his head so he can look.

Bones is as beautiful as he’s ever been, smiling warmly, the vibrant and healthy version of himself that’s displayed in so many pictures around their house. The wings are off-putting, but certainly not a deal-breaker. When Jim kisses him, there’s that same electric spark they’ve always had, even for the most chaste brushes of lips; dinners with the crew; their bonding ceremony; Scotty’s experimentation with fucking forcefield-enabled mistletoe.

“Is this real?” Jim dares to ask, somehow, even though he’s not sure he’ll like the answer. “Are you just- a figment of my imagination? Is it going to fade away? Or do we really have- forever?”

“Would you do anything differently, if we did?”

No, Jim realises. He wouldn’t. All he wants is this.


End file.
